Oneheart

I killed 4 cockroaches last night. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…….

So scary……………..

I’d like to confess my sins of polluting the environment in my quest to rid the world from these 4 pests.

May I be pardoned from my good intentional killings. Amen.

Enough said. If you dun kill cockroaches, they will multiply and copulate faster than you can hunt them down. Dun even be soft-hearted and let one off, like I used to be. Now they have the audacity to crawl in front of me and disturb me from my sleep!!!

I.P.S…. KILL KILL KILL….

Cockroaches… you are dead. Dun ever let me see you again, ‘cos I will

KILL KILL KILL…

PS: This quote is so apt now, "Do the thing you fear, and you’ll overcome fear itself."
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Sleepy day…….. slept 2 hours last night…… I’m so sleep deprived. I need my sleep……..
Finally Moses and I have submitted our business plan to the LKY Global Business Plan Competition. May our efforts be worth it. Not b’cos we deserve the chance to qualify for the next round, but simply b’cos we INTEND it to HAPPEN!
Looking forward to the next challenge! Come come come… my life needs more excitement…
Special Acknowledgement to Moses for his commitment. Thanks! =)

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Why is everyone so secretive about POS?!? What’s so mysterious about POS that they are robbed of the ability to describe and explain?

I’m so sick of hearing… "Wait until POS" and be given that sly grin….

It irritates me alot.

Counting down 1 and a half day to POS!!! HEHEHEHEHE….

I shall experience it for myself, and pray that I will be able to describe more than the 3 words "Wait until POS" that I always hear, after I graduate from the program…

Ohh…….. so exciting……. what a perfect weekend getaway…….

Friday, faster come leh!
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Today’s my last coaching call with Teng Nging. After having had at least once a week coaching call for the past 3 1/2 months, I’m sure going to miss the coaching calls. =(

Another quote that’s so apt here, "There’s no everlasting feast in this world."

Special acknowledgements to my dearest coach, whom always force me to inquire, inquire again, inquire deeper still, and still inquire deeper… I feel so "clean" after so much digging and unravelling the mysteries behind the dynamics of my mind. hahaha… =D THANKS!!!!!!!! *Hugz*

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Next week’s my study week. And I’m looking for study kakis to "chiong" with me. Anyone interested to mug with me?!? Buzz me okay? Let’s study hard together! =)

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you’re told that you’re loved.

You’d like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is traditional. Without saying anything, both of you communicate with your hearts.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You’ll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You’ll do anything for love, but you won’t fall for it easily.

My Comments: Erm… freaky accurate sia…acknowledgements to Xing Jian for posting this to his blog. Thanks! =)

The URL: http://www.blogthings.com/keystoyourheartquiz/

Escape Theme Park

Dianna and I queued for 1 1/2 hour for this particular ride that we never got a chance to sit, partly due to the heavy sudden downpour, and mainly due to our poor strategic queue location.

I cannot believe we spent the whole afternoon there just riding on viking alone, and wasting the rest of our time queuing. This really isn’t my idea of spending my precious sunday.

This quote is so apt-

"All life’s battles have a lesson to teach us, particularly those that we lost."

And the lesson I learnt today is- Dun be so stubborn and insistent on wanting something. When one is too wilful and emotionally attached to getting something, he/she may lose sight of more beautiful things around.

Why do I say that? Because I was so persistent on queuing for that particular ride for 1 1/2 hours, I din get a chance to ride on others. Darn… learn from it man, Yixin. Get over it!!! Sigh…

Wild Wild Wet
We went wild wild wet after that, and tried on almost everything there. Super fun! I love "Ular lah" and "Shiok river", particularly the latter. Dianna couldn’t understand why, ‘cos she found it super  "zhou bo" (do nothing). She even had to resort to pushing my float from behind so that we can get out of the tunnel faster! hahaha… Basically one just sit on a float and let the water carry you thru the tunnel. So it’s super lazy and do nothing.

But I love it lor. Precisely b’cos it’s so brainless and effortless that it takes me away from my usual "chop chop chop" routine. I really enjoyed not doing anything and let the water (and Dianna) take control. It’s so nice for a gd change.

Alright, back to this "chop chop chop" reality. Argh… >_<

Sigh… the lesson is so boring… i must blog smt to keep my idle mind active…

Dunno whether I’m being over-sensitive or smt… but it seems like all the forces in my universe is directing me towards preparation for POS. I have frens blogging on relationship stuffs recently, frens whom kept asking me about the guys I’m attracted to, frens whom challenge me on the type of guys I go for… whatever it is… it sure is an interesting topic to blog… anyway, like what my xiaomei claimed, "it’s the usual girls’ topic". hahaha… =P

Recently I’ve been collating data for myself for POS. I’ve been observing very intently, all the subtle things I look out for in a date. And it has been rewarding so far. Here are the definite "turn-offs" for me. Dun ask why, that’s just the way it is… (of cos i noe the reasons)…

Making Payment
1) I will always take up my wallet and attempt to "go-dutch". If he din say anything and let me "go-dutch", i’m fine with it. We both get allowances from our parents so it’s not right to expect a guy to pay. If he earns his own allowances, den that’s a different story. But he musn’t come across to me as a miser lah. So there’s a fine line.

2) If he says he’ll pay, then he better make sure he insists in paying. ‘cos I dislike guys who just say that for the sake of saying they’ll pay. And I’m v turn-off by such guys… Yah… it’s like "fan le da ji"

3) If he insists on paying, good for him. Here’s a gentleman.

4) However, if he insists on paying and den says, "it’s okay lah. You can treat me another time. Next time it’ll be your treat"… I’ll go >_<
Why? b’cos 3 tots occur to me at the same time:

    a. Pls lor, if you wanna pay, you pay. Dun expect me to pay you back. And lagi worse, force me to make an empty promise that I hafta give you a treat next time. I’m someone who keeps my word. And here’s a guy whom traps me with an empty promise and a 2nd date. Coaz… "jian"

    b. You’re obviously using "giving you a treat" as an excuse for another date. ‘Cmon lah, have some balls can? If you wanna ask me out again, then ask me out as a separate thing. Most likely I will say yes. I like guys with guts and know what he wants.

    c. It’s really boring to hear the same thing, again and again.

Conversation over meal
Normally on the 1st date, I’d listen intently ‘cos I wanta understand the person better. So usually I’ll keep him talking. But if I din even ask him abt himself and the guy keeps on talking and talking and talking about himself… OMG! I want to go home… really… I’d rather be elsewhere than here. But strangely, I attract this type of guys. Dun ask me why… and they always say 2 similar thing, "I tink you’re a soft-spoken and nice gal" and "I really hit it off well with you". OMG!!! I’m certainly not soft-spoken lah… and the only reason why I’m soft-spoken is b’cos i dun get a chance to talk?!? >_<
As for the 2nd comment "I really hit it off well with you"… erm… okay… that’s fine. But i hope the feeling’s mutual.

Another turn-off is when the guy has a hidden agenda. Normally on 1st date when you dunno each other well, take it as a "building trust and getting to know the other person" opportunity. However, if on the 1st date itself, and the guy keeps promoting his products etc., I’d go…"wa coaz, you’re supposed to show interest in me, not ask me show interest in your products." If it’s a sales appointment, set your intention beforehand. If not, gauge my interest level 1st and arrange for a sales appt after the 1st date, lest you will lose both further dates and potential sales appt. Make sense?

There’re more actually, but i shall stop here. Anyway next time you go on a date, be more observant to those subtle things that will make you classify a potential as "can make it" or "cannot make it". You’ll then realize it really isn’t about looks or $$ or superficial stuffs. It’s really about you having a "mental checklist" and whether the other party has fulfilled them or not. After you’ve gotten your list, you can try inquiring within where all these subtleties came from. You’ll be surprised at your discovery.

PS: The abovementioned is not applicable if the guy is hot or if i’m interested in the guy. Duh, dun come preaching at me that I’m superficial. What is superficial?

PPS: POS represents Principles of Seduction. It’s an advanced program that explores one’s relationship with others, not just in the domain of romantic relationship. I’m taking it next weekend. Mwhaha… it’s gotta be fun! hehehe…

PPPS: If you’re a guy and you have strong opinions to what I’ve blog, you can either take it as a pinch of salt that everyone’s entitled to their opinions, or you can drop me a comment. I’d love to be impressed by your justifications anyday.

I finally understand those complex emotions…

I fear, ‘cos for once (in dunno how many donkey ages)…

I find joy in living…

now the next thing to be concerned with…

How to make this feeling lasting, and not temporal.

Sigh, I have 2 reports to rush tonight. Dunno if i can get to slp at all. No lah, I’m not bitching. I’ve gone past that stage already since I’m so used to meeting deadlines. And anyway, I should be thankful that I get to rush reports. There are plenty of ppl out there who would rather be in my position than not having a chance to study in a uni.
It’s just that I really love studying, but not for studying’s sake. I love studying b’cos I enjoy it. Kinda sick of having to study b’cos I have to study. You get my point?!? *vomit… so sick of studying for studying’s sake*
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Today, I just had another discovery. I realized that I’m so afraid of myself. In fact, probably the only person I fear is myself, and the only thing I’m afraid of is also myself.

1) I’m so scared of losing to my ego, pride and vanity.

2) I’m so afraid of my losing to my fear of failure.

3) I know I’m GOOD ENOUGH. But I always live under the expectations of others and I’m so afraid of disappointing them b’cos that will in turn, make me unhappy since these are the ppl. I love. So I’m so tired of myself at times. I’m afraid of losing to this need of living up others’ expectations.

4) Recently, I’ve grown so much WISER that I’m freaked out. It’s like I suddenly have so much wisdom when I communicate with others and I dun even noe where this WISDOM come from. Will "SHE" leave me one day? Wad if there’s an occasion when I’m required to be WISE but yet I’m robbed of the right words to say? Erm, am I making sense?

5) And most importantly, I was so used to my ARMOR of being "numbed" and "indifferent" that I dun even noe if I’m able to accept a life that’s so meaningful and beautiful. It’s like having a comfort zone that I have to jump out of. No lor, I’m not afraid of jumping. I’m actually afraid of what happens after that- The Uncertainty of Possibilities.

6) I’m also very afraid of succumbing to my self-doubts, like now.

I really hope I can defeat myself. Erm, okay, hoping is useless. I really want to win myself. And I dun even noe if courage will be with me at all times. It seems like COURAGE will only be with me when I have the INTENTION. And I’m oso afraid my INTENTION is not strong enough.

Okay, I dunno why I’m blogging this anymore. It seems like I’m bitching again. Erm, but I’m really shaken and overwhelmed with emotions that I can’t distinguish them individually. Am I feeling excited at my discovery that I really have nothing to fear but that of losing to myself, OR am I afraid I may not win myself?

Hmm… aiyah, i oso dunno lah. All I noe now is- I need to work on my reports now. I’ll tackle these weird emotions another day when my mind is clearer.

I always think I understand myself so well. But every week, I surprise myself with new insights. HOW COME LIDDAT?!? MY PERSONAL SPHERE OF TOTALITY KEEPS EXPANDING!!! WHEN WILL I EVER REACH THE POINT WHERE TOTALITY BECOMES TOTALITY, AND ENOUGH BECOMES ENOUGH?

Okay, enough said. There’s a time for everything. Back to this "CHOP CHOP CHOP" reality, before i go CHOP WOOD, CARRY WATER and CLIMB HILLS again. Hahaha =D
   

I want to count my "WINS" and share with everyone…

Oh my goodness!!!!!! HE spoke to me today! (refer to the previous blog entry on Interesting Guys) Nope, I’m not reacting like some 15 years old teenage gals whom got excited ‘cos their crush spoke to them.
I’m just so excited that we actually had a proper, friendly and nice conversation, and above all, prove myself that my intuition on his character was right all along- that HE ain’t an egoistic and aloof person.

sigh… received smses from the babe this morn. Just a couple of days ago my heart was "ripped apart". But receiving encouraging news from her just made my day. Another great news.

Merv finally stepped into ECI again last night during MCW. Aww…. i wanted to gave him a warm hug to express how touched i feel. Pity he left early. Still… awww…

I wasn’t supposed to be assisting at all for last night’s MCW, ‘cos i’m supposed to be studying for today’s stats test. But in the end, i was compelled by circumstances to assist. My level of preparation for stats revision was at 0% at 2am in the morning. Now at this point, it’s 90%. The other 10% I attribute to luck. One can only do one’s best and the rest depends on the uncertainty factor. I only slpt for 1 hour plus last night. But i am so proud of myself for conquering my slping bug and being able to focus intensely in spite of all the fears. Again this shows, with INTENTION, anything is POSSIBLE! And now, i no longer regret assisting last night MCW. =P heh… alright, even if i still can’t do the test paper later, I oso have no regrets ‘cos i put in my greatest effort in preparing for the test!

I believe there’re more "WINS" to celebrate. Isn’t life great?

Of ‘cos, it can be better. And I’m greedy. I want those as well. Shall work hard to get them. Like the quote in "The Alchemist"- When you want something, all the forces in the universe conspire to make it happen. =)

My HEART Cried today…

B’cos I’ve lost someone close to me. I said she is gone, b’cos she has stopped FIGHTING.

She has a choice between 1) running away from responsibilities and trying to justify her actions by making everything else wrong, or 2) claim responsibilities and BE HER GREATER SELF, like what she has taught me before.

WHERE ARE YOU MY DEAR FRIEND? SHE WHOM USED TO CHAMPION MY GROWTH?

Please tell me… How I may find her back?

I will go all out to fight her battle with her. Not in terms of what has happened, but above all else, the battle within herself.

Hey dear, come back. And make my HEART stop crying.

Yah yah, i noe i should be chionging deadlines instead of blogging again. But I need to clear my head before I go CHOP, CHOP…

So i shall put my concerns aside that each time I blog, friendster will spam ppl’s emails. (They can sort it out themselves if it inconvenience them) It’s high time I stop running this conversation of social propriety.

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I find most guys I noe, boring. In fact, almost all. Not that I’m inclined towards gals romantically. It’s just that they’re all kinda predictable in their own different ways. Thru their conversations during the 1st few encounters, they have already shared with me their past and how that led to their present, and thru the choices they made in their present, I see who they may become. So what else is there to noe of them? Okay, ’tis seriously another of my personal restrictions which I’m working on. If I continue this way… I’ll prob withdraw into my hermitage in terms of romantic relationship. That’s really unhealthy.

But on super rare occasions, there are intriguing ppl. around, like HIM.

There’s this weird guy in my class (actually he’s my project mate as well) whom I can’t fathom. He strangely reminds me of that NUS module mate in my Malay lang. class. Both are of the same species. Hmm…

How cum he always appear so guarded and egoistic around me? Nah, there’s a difference. I have met so many egoistic and aloof ppl. around to take another seriously. It’s just that when I look into their eyes, intuitively, I noe they are pretending to be egoistic and aloof. It’s just not in their nature. Both guys made me wonder,

- WHAT IS THEIR STORY?

Which made me wonder…

- HOW COME I DUN UNDERSTAND THEM?

Which made me ponder…

- WHY DO I WANT TO UNDERSTAND THEM?

That prompted me to realize…

- I LIKE TO UNDERSTAND PPL, especially guys…

Which led me to inquire deeper… AND deeper… AND deeper… before I hit upon another realization. (That’s for me to know)

For that impt insight and realization, I’ll like to thank these 2 guys.

Slowly, I began to regain my interest in guys (in general. Not referring to just these 2 guys) again. And find out for myself that, predictability has its own attraction. Certainity has its own beauty. Learning to flow around the patterns of predictability and certainity, is a form of art. Acquiring that art is my quest. The goal is to remove all personal restrictions (to put it more crudely- not to be so sexually uptight lah). The process is to take on different perspectives on the same issue, and to allow my mind to be awed by wonders, rather than closed by beliefs.

Alright, not all guys are boring. I need to get that. Guys can be interesting too.

Today’s qte a significant day for me. 3 years back on this day, I made a promise to myself to stay single for HIM. However silly I had been back then when I made that promise, subconsciously, this promise has hold me back from stepping into any relationship. So unknowingly, I had placed a personal restriction on myself. Or maybe it’s just not the time for me lor. Or maybe both. Whatever.

Anyway, today, I allow myself to run thru the memories one last time before I move on. The equation’s smt like this:

Previously: Let go, but haven’t move on.
Today: Let go, and reminisce.
Tomorrow: Let go, and move on.

Hmm… what should I say? Well… at least my experience taught me 2 important lessons in life:
1) HE was the 1st person I trusted fully. So the lesson learnt was- Trust others, but not blindly.
2) HE was the 1st person I loved fully. And the lesson learnt was- I have a choice, to seek vengence on life or let go. And thru the choice I made, it became one of my impt philosophy on relationship… "If I can’t give the man I love the happiness he wants, I will set him free so he can search for his."

So today, for these 2 lessons, I THANK HIM for leaving a footprint in my life.

I love you.

Chapter closed n complete.

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Wa lau…. the INDIA INDIANS are really freaking me out like crazy. Yah yah, i noe the CHINA CHINESE are ingenious and all, but you should work with the INDIA INDIANS lor!!! ’tis the 2nd time i worked with the INDIA INDIANS and i notice they have similar traits:

1) They like to chop chop complete their tasks and play their computer games. Nothing’s wrong with that. But not when they finish a group project in a 30min project meeting. Erm… scary!!! And half the time I dunno what the fU**k they’re talking about. Totally clueless >_< I hate that!!! Make me feel so… erm… helpless?!? hmph…

2) They like to do things by themselves. Their definition of project management =  I’ll do it. They dun delegate tasks one lor.  Coaz…  Actually why am I even complaining? I should be happy right ‘cos I get to slack? No lor! I dun learn a single thing and frankly speaking, I dunno what’s going on. Darn! Do they realize my presence?!? "HELLO, I’M HERE… I’M HEre… I’M Here… i’m here… i’m…" =X

I wish they would stop freaking me out like that. I need CPR. Helpppppp……. My conclusion-STAY AWAY FROM THE INDIA INDIANS. >_<

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I really can’t wait for POS to come. Looking forward to it and counting down every day. Yet fearful of it all the same. Fearful ‘cos I noe I will get everything that I want out of the program, but yet I dunno if i’ve got the courage to. Fearful ‘cos I’ve got to confront my deepest fear of failure. Fearful ‘cos it seems too good to be true and I’m not used to it. Fearful ‘cos I’ve placed a high stake n i’m scared of not meeting my expectations.
Looking forward ‘cos I noe that’s when The Cub breaks out of her shell, express herself n return to innocence, and above all, to FULLY LIVE AND FULLY LOVE.

Hope I will achieve this- "Listen to your heart even if it fears, for it knows you are capable of LOVE."
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I have a hectic week ahead! Will be fighting lots of battles (meeting deadlines I mean) n I’m tired! Sigh… wish I could run away n hide somewhere. JIA YOU! JIA YOU! JIA YOU!
Looking forward to the weekend, where I will be conducting my pre-POS research. Mwhahaha…. think it’s gonna be FUN! Hehehe… =P Shall have FUN analyzing my data with my coach too. Heh heh…
But before that, it’s CHOP, CHOP, CHOP!

BE ENERGETIC,
Oneheart