Oneheart

My 1st time being a Team Leader (TL) cum co-course supervisor (CS) had been a fun and incredible experience. In fact, both terms have understated my experience. I wouldn’t trade it for any amount of money, yea… and It’s time for my Completion for TCC 0106:

1) I saw what INTENTIONAL looks like. I managed to stay fully INTENTIONAL from 8.30am on sat morn till mon morn 5am. Din slp at all, but the weird thing is… I wasn’t tired… for once, I won my sleeping bug, and that says a hellavu lot.

2) Mei said, "You’ve grown up already hor?" 5 times to me. She looked so proud of me that I just wanta repay her more by growing up faster and more. *sniffs*

3) My assistants acknowledged me as a great TL. Although my passive-aggressive covert leadership may have worked this time, I seriously need to work on expanding my beingness, otherwise known as magnetism.

4) All assistants got a chance to participate in the processing. Wad processing I had previously failed in my own TCC last year, I made it up to myself this time. Dammit… I never had so much fun crying in my entire life!!! I cried, cried and cried until I was so tired and fell asleep. Crying’s so fun!!! I missed that part when everyone got to explore their metaphors though, ‘cos i was aslp. Darn!!! Maybe it wasn’t meant for me… oh well… there’s always POS. Sigh…

5) I drew strength in my femininity. Like what Kelvin said to me, "You’re not so sexually uptight as compared to during your TCC". Erm… i couldn’t agree more with him. Hehehe… I think it’s pre-POS growth, and all thanks to Teng Nging of cos… hehehe… *secretive*

6) One of my assistants wanted me to be his erm… daughter-in-law??? Gosh… he asked me 3 times if he can introduced me to his son, whom’s one year older than me… Coaz… was he joking?!? >_< I was traumatized.

7) I made a difference to the participant(s), esp that gal. She reminds me of SHE WHO MIRRORS ME. Hmm… either I am drawn to them bcos they have a part of me that I wanted to help, or I have smt in me that they want for themselves. Or both lah… whatever’s the reasons, I’m glad I’ve made a difference, and I LOVE THEM! If only they knew how beautiful they are.

And the ultimate of them all- The coaches opened up their world to me!!! Woah… it’s priceless!!! I always had this feeling that whenever they talked to me, they regarded me as a coachee. And just as much as I had wanted them to open up and share with me more of themselves, I had difficulties in doing so. That was a thing of the past.
Now… we chat like friends. After TCC, we had supper; Kelvin, Mei, Lin, Teng Nging, Julz and I. We sat together and joked, laughed, and teased each other. I dunno whether they’re rewarding my growth by treating me more like their equals now, or that I have removed my personal restrictions about them. In any case, I LOVE my New FRIENDS!!! hehehe…

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My CS is a cheeky fella. Here’s the sms dialogue between us:

CS: Lemme noe when you are free… We can meet up…

Me: Meeting up for completion or catching up? ; )

CS: Both… And whatever you have in mind… ; )

Me: >_< *traumatized* *stunned* I need CPR… *CHOKE*

Me: (I gave him my available schedule for this week, and asked him to choose one)

CS: I choose all… tmr is 1st session…

ME: *pengz*

My CS is really wacky… hahaha… no wonder we clicked. >_<

To sum up my experience as a Team Leader and assistant this TCC- It was hellavu FUN! =)

Coaching calls for pre-POS have been interestingly exciting and stunningly enriching so far…

especially on my relationship with my sexuality…

and my sexuality preference(s)…

hahahah…

I really need to blog this…

feeling very constipated emotionally…

Soon, I will be honest with myself, and stop hiding from even myself…

and I will make a declaration…

I’ll blog another entry on that…

If I dun, it means I’m either…

Too busy exploring…

or too comfortable not exploring…

Tsk tsk tsk…

Sexy Naughty Bitchy,
ME!

PS: Dun you get the feelin’ smtimes, that there are things hidden within you… secrets, that you hide… even from yourself?

hahahahahahahaahah…………..

I just can’t stop luffing…………

nor stop feeling cheated………. that i’ve managed to hide the truth from myself…..

darn! still…

*rolls on and over the floor luffing* LOL!

Acroynms used for the following:

TL- Team Leader
TCC- The Courage to Create, a 3-day program by Executive Coach International (ECI)
CS- Course Supervisor
AP- Apprenticeship Program
CCI- Coaching Clubs International

CS: I’ll like to enrol you as TL for coming TCC. Are you willing to take up the challenge?
my inner voice: HUH??? I only assisted twice leh… I dunno if i’m up for it lor.
I replied: "I’ve never been a TL before, but I’m willing to take up the challenge."

CS: Are you able to handle 7 assistants?
my inner voice: Coaz… so many ppl arh. >_< jialat lah…
I replied: "Sure!"

CS: You’re the only TL for this TCC. Are you okay with that?
my inner voice: wa lau… sure anot?!? I dunno whether I’m able to handle the situation lor. You sure you dun want to have another TL meh? jialat man… am I even ready for it? hmm…
I replied: "Okay, but you must brief me on how exactly you would like things to be done."

On top of all my self-doubts, my 2 AP buddies cum close friends, Alex and Xing Jian, are not assisting with me this time. Super sianz… ’tis the 1st time I have to be independent and fend for myself. =(

Actually, I realized I’ve never really trusted my own abilities. I’ve always needed someone else to remind me that I’m able to handle the challenges. Probably that’s why up till now, I’ve never really fight for a President/CEO/Head position before, and contended being the 2nd in command.

Even that time during CCI clearing cum alignment session, I put in alot of effort to get one of the 7 senior coaches, as well as Kelvin, to conduct that session for us. It was until Mei reminded me that I dun need their help, did I realize I could actually handle the situation myself and take charge of things. How ironic, that I actually needed her to remind me! >_<

Despite all my self-doubts, I’m ready for this challenge. And WHO I AM as a TL is - TRUST, INTEGRITY, and INTENTION.

TRUST- Believe that my assistants can do my assigned tasks well, and give them complete freedom in completing their tasks
INTREGITY- I’ll set a gd example of what I believe INTEGRITY is
INTENTION- Make a difference to the participants, assistants, the assisting team, the program, and my personal growth

I’m not trying to impress anyone here. But I do hope my actions can make a difference to others. May what I’ve done and do impact others, and inspire them to BE Their GREATER SELF too!!! Amen.

BE COURAGE,
oneheart

I realized I had been wasting my life… Here’s my life in summary from this great, insightful book called "Veronika decides to die" by Paulo Coelho. In my opinion, everyone should just go read it lah… and may the essence of the book surround and bless you with the awareness on your "life" too.

"She had managed to appear utterly independent. She  gave all her friends the impression that she was a woman to be envied, and she expended most of her energy in trying to behave in accordance with the image she had created of herself.

Where is my soul?… In my past. But today it’s here, I can feel it again in my body, vibrant with enthusiasm."

Mei asked me back in November, 2005, if I’m ready to let my love blossom during POS, and to FULLY LIVE and FULLY LOVE. I did not gave her a reply until last night.

’tis what I said to my pre-POS coach, Teng Nging, "I know I want it more badly than any of the participants in POS. I know I still have my fears. In fact, each time I think about it, I will cry. But I dun want to give in to my fears anymore. I hate to lose to myself. I dunno how I will manage to do it, but how much fear I have inside, I will make sure I have twice as much courage to live my life."

To breathe, live and love again,

I am ready.

PS: Thank you Rosli, for lending me this wonderful book. *hugz* I hope you will find more of yourself and simply BE. =)

My Chinese New Year Celebration and week in retrospect:

I finally allow LOVE into my Life. And it was very beautiful.

Hope I’ll never lose it again. =)

With Love,
The Cub

ps: Signing off "with love" has never been so meaningful.