Oneheart

I struggled to stay awake under the somniferous drone of Networking. "WHY?!?" This question kept popping up while I mugged the impossible text. The mind was subjected to constant debate. The noises simply irked me. And the lack of control over them disturbed me. Seconds ticked by. The hour passed so quickly. I have no fear for the consequence. It’s the sense of helplessness that bogged me down. It’s that disdain for the sense of helplessness that keeps me going until now. But for how long? I wonder… Sigh… Once again I asked, "WHY?!?"

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I seriously dislike uncertainty. Not the kind of life’s uncertainties. Even that has its own certainty- The certainty of the uncertainities. It’s that kind of uncertainty that you know it’s within your control. But the emotional just cannot resonate with the intellectual part of me. It’s that dilemma that creates the uncertainty. To me, there’s no such thing as "sitting on the fence". There’s no "to a certain extent" either. It’s either "to a small extent" or "to a larger extent". It’s "on this side", or "over that side". So I think oneheart being oneheart, she will do what oneheart does. Guess she will move on, or resolve the issue. The thing is- "Is there one in the 1st place?" Could it be possible the mind’s playing tricks on her, like before? Maybe that’s the case. I told her… Just move on. She’s too stubborn to listen to me. When will she ever learn? Sigh… She reasons, "you’re always too impatient and want things done in your own fashion. When will you ever learn too?"

Hmm… Now who’s right? Who’s the one distorting the reality? Maybe both. So how? We’ll wait and see then. Only time will prove one of us right.

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I’m famished! Now going out for lunch liao. Hehe… and you noe wad? My specs broke this morn!!! Yippie~!!!! Can buy new specs liao. Hehehe…. that funky white specs I saw with Dianna some time back. Cool or wad? Mum says she’ll pay for me. So gd hor?

In due time,
The Cub

Got back my marketing final grade liao- I’ve got an A+ …… Hoorey!!! prof marks super fast lor… I just submitted my group report on thurs, and he uploaded our grades over the weekend. Super efficient! yea… actually i’m only interested to get back my mktg grade… the rest dun get back oso nvm… can’t be bothered too…. esp spanish =( I’ve yet to collect my spanish test paper… must collect huh? It wouldnt make a difference right?

Voice 1: shoo, go collect lah. must have the courage to collect yr test paper wad. who asked you not to study harder? tsk tsk… go go!

Voice 2: Dun want lah… eventually i’ll still get back the grade mah, make no difference. Later affect my mood how? I’ve got networking exam to pia leh. Shan’t be distracted. Shh… just go away.

Voice 1: Duh… Stop giving yourself excuses lor. That’s so lame. See lah, got courage to slack, no courage to collect! Who taught you this?

Voice 2: *grumble grumble… mutters curse under her breath* okay… see how it goes. maybe i’ll collect tmr >_<

My little dilemma,
The Cub
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Have you wondered how smtimes we may noe a fren for years, but yet understand each other so little? Does it occur to you to ever try opening up your world to each other?

I played bball with my fren today, and these thoughts came across our mind. It hit upon us (more for him =P) dat although we knew each other for 6 years, we never once opened and shared our world with one another. Our conversation topics never really deviate from sports, friends,  food, movies, and maybe studies. This morning, I decided to let my good buddy into my world. Told him my life. He shared with me his.

For a moment, I "stoned". Den I realized how I was so not "present" and "conscious". And back to listening intently again. This time, i figured out smt. I "stoned" bcos I was so not used to listening  to him for so long! Gosh… he actually shared his world with me! So touching. *sniffs* And it dawned on me- we actually took 6 long years to do that?!? tsk tsk…

and I just wanta acknowledge him for that-
Thanks Ah Ming, for being my gd buddy and opening up your world to me. *hugs* and yes… i’m def one fren you know you can count on. hope that answers one of yr qns 

Oso must acknowledge Germaine too. ‘cos i made her wait for me for 40mins today! Yah, I got ticked off heavily aft that. And then she reminded me I once made her wait for 1 1/2hours! gosh… >_< Not deliberate one…….. really……. i’m super duper sorry~ Thanks for your patience, dear. Thanks for having a double standard for me. hahaha =P ok ok… not funny… yah, i dun intend to let it happen again. Really paiseh k? And thanks again, for reminding how "unconscious" I’ve been. gosh… too lethargic i guess…

having said that… the sleeping bugs are here. Good night…… zzzzzzzzzz

Sleepy cub.

Here’s a hilarious comprehension that I encountered while giving tuition just now:

Mike and Mel were at home when their parents were out for a holiday trip. It was almost dinner time. "Can you buy some beef at the shop nearby?" said Mike to Mel. "No, you go. I’m too lazy to go downstairs" replied Mel.

Mike went downstairs and bought some beef. "Will you cook dinner for us?" asked Mike. Mel said, "I can’t cook well. Why don’t you cook instead?" And Mike grilled the beef and prepared steak for them.
"Can you boil some water to make tea for us?" asked Mike again. Mel responded, "I don’t want my hands to get wet. Will you do it for us?" Then Mike went and boiled water for them.

Finally, Mike asked, "Do you want to have dinner?" This time, Mel replied, "I will say yes this time." "I hate to say no to you all the time."

Did you get the joke? Hahahaha….

Continued…

I wrote this song called "ManKind" a year ago. I didn’t really figure out what took me to write this. Maybe it was "Idealism". Perhaps it was the beginning in search of "return to innocence" (the song!). Whatever it is, it has smt. related to what happened yesterday. So shall write the lyric for 1st half of the song (since it’s most apt):

Men want everything in life,
and they pursue everything in sight,
to gain fame and recognition,
something to show the world.
But they forgot how to live,
the way it should have been,
and that’s the irony of life,
sad to say.

We start off each day,
the same as yesterday,
our lives have been routinized.
We are always on the go,
with hardly anytime to rest,
to stop and smell the roses and be thankful,
of what we have.
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Like the moral of the spanish movie (Motorcyclists’s diaries) that I watched yesterday, "I am not me anymore. At least not when I first began this journey."

I just wanta say- There are certain things that I regard little now, which I used to value a lot in the past.  And this is Who I am. Please accept it.

 Supposed to edit 2 reports and research on my Work n Family individual assignment today. Supposed to chop chop complete everything by late afternoon, but I’m feeling too lethargic to do my work, except clearing clutters online. Perhaps that might help to regain some energy. Well, doing smt. is better den doing nothing… And definitely better than being conquered by those pestering sleeping bugs!

Anyway, while I was doing research for my assign, I was drawn to a social psychology article on "The Self-Esteem Approach". Okay, the article was totally unrelated to my research topic, but it caught my attention nonetheless. Here’s the gist:

The reason ppl view the world they do can often be traced to an underlying need to maintain a favorable image of themselves. They have the tendency to distort reality, and deny existence of all information that reflects badly on them. Hence, most ppl put a slightly different spin on the existing facts; one that puts us in the best possible light.

For example- Suppose a couple gets divorced due to the husband’s irrational jealousy. Rather than admitting  that his jealousy and overpossessiveness drove her away, the husband blames the marriage breakup on the fact that his ex-wife was not responsive enough to his needs. This distortion of reality allows him to feel better about the situation.

I can relate strongly to this article. Smt occurred in my "space" yesterday. I honestly have low tolerance for implicit expectations. I’m so tired of trying to fathom one’s unwritten expectations, and figuring out another "world". Im unsure whether it’s a distortion of the fella’s reality, or if I’ve psycho-analyze a tad too much. It’s so frustrating to be judged you noe? Why can’t I be accepted for who I am?

Then again, this leads to another qns- Am I certain I’m not the one distorting my reality?!? Hmph… Whatever it is, shall make sure it’s "No Hay Problema" soon. Really dislike implicit expectations. I’ve got better things to do lor~

To be continued…

SE grp meeting is fun and productive. Exchanged lots of mp3, crapped hard but yet completed my documentation in an afternoon. Productive sia… Think today’s our last meeting, *sniffs* wish i could have more of that… erm… I dun mean the project, I’m referring to the time I spent with my team mates. Guess will see them again coming dec for the swiss circus and/or for CCI session- looking forward to that! hee… I’ll really miss them. Sigh…

As for "i know what but shan’t say it" team mates… hah… finally it has come to an end. I really have a stomach-filled of words to say- "but if there’s nothing good to say, dun say" (one of my fave quotes). It’s just TMD GNN SSO WTF IPS 78 89 lor… @#@$^%@%^ … let’s have another round- TMD GNN SSO WTF IPS 78 89…. $%#%^$%&… Think it’s not enuff, later I’ll go vent out some steam. Cannot keep it inside me you noe? Later suffer from emotional constipation how? =P

Yup, so lessons learnt this sem that I will apply for my future projects- Choose your project team wisely!

yesterday I went for an interview. It was pretty gd, and out of the few applicants, the interviewer (Kate) said she’ll promote me strongly to her client. Prob is I dunno if I’ve got the substance for the job. Kate believed I can deliver, and that I fit the bill. Woah, think so highly of me, later i can’t deliver how? cannot disappoint ppl wor. But in any case, I’ve cleared 1st round of interview. So shall pray that the client will accept her proposal and give me that job! I really want it!

Intent is there, what’s left is gd luck. If you read this, wish me *gd luck* in getting the job!
thanks! *muacks*

I scored a very BIG Goal today, if not the biggest, for this semester. It made me realize too, that actually gd grades, money, gd results etc. doesn’t really matter to me as much as this- RELATIONSHIP. Yah… really… As my intellect always do a pretty bad job trying to explain the emotional side of me, I shall let the latter tell the story:

She’s as petite as me. Gosh…

Dammit… buay tahan… how cum so egoistic one?

Cannot stop bragging about your achievements one meh? wah lau…

Darn… she’s actually really gd at what she’s doing…

I believe we shared similar backgrounds…

Her character’s the effect from her past… I wonder what happened…

TMD GNN SSO WTF IPS 78 89 … I need to rush off for another appointment. Why must you speak to me in that manner? Cannot speak nicely meh? *Triggered*

I must control my temper. Must be "conscious" you noe… speak to her nicely. Might change for the better…

We speak to each other less harshly. Softer…

Relationship improved slightly better for the rest of the sem…

Today, I am "Conscious", "Ego-less", "Soft", "Gd listener", "Flow", and "Sociable"…

We went for lunch. I found out her past. I shared with her mine.

Understand her really well… just realize too, that we’re taking the same class next sem. For the 1st time, I’m actually genuinely happy abt it.

It was like passing CCI’s assignment 2 (building trust) with flying colours. Btw, I did not pass that assignment 4 times in a row (to my expectation).  yah, I "flow" so well that I surprised myself too. Really nice.

Saw her online. She saw my nick- "Scored an achievement today."

She asked, "What was it?" I said, "Improving my relationship with you"…

She replied, "I wanta hear more of you too." =)

My Feeling now- really nice. Dunno how to describe. Really sweet… Think I just dropped a tear. It’s really "Be the Cub", and "Return to Innocence".

argh… you noe what I’m trying to say? Yeah? Great… I’m complete then. =)

Act 1

She had been struck by a momentary dizziness, a kind of blind sensation that made the entire world halt before her, for what looked like false eternity in that instance. She struck uncontrollably. Again, harder this time. And before she knew it, the bark crumbled to brown senselessness before her bleeding toes. She was totally immuned to pain. Or rather, she was indulging in that pain that fed her body the only sensation she could feel. She glanced at the sun, which appear  to quit on her any moment. She was suddenly overwhelmed and seized by an unexplainable force. She punched, kicked, shoved, and damaged everything in sight. She tossed her arms wildly and destroyed anything close enough. Then she heard a voice,

"Please stop. Don’t hurt yourself."

That voice was oddly troubling. She wanted to put it aside, possibly for later consideration, when it spoke more firmly this time,

"You love yourself too much for that."

She found herself staring at the tree in front of her. Above, the stars were unwinking. A sardonic orange line on the monochrome horizon was to her right.

As if just woken up from a deep dream, she continued her walk home.

Act 2

A writer observing outside the realm of her 2 inner worlds. In a criss-cross symbolical interaction with another virtual world, she blogs her worlds. Having had experienced full awareness of her worlds, she peeps at the person next to her, and observes another world interacting in her environment.

The World Around Us: 9th Core Conversation

Gosh, did I just hit upon another REALIZATION? Or was that just a false illusion of AWARENESS? Whatever it is, I better return to this World- REALITY. Chiong-ing deadlines again- what else?

World within worlds,

The Cub’s world(s)

Just had my Spanish test 2. Really must let it all out…

TMD GNN SSO WTF IPS 78 89!!!!!!!! LM all the way! =(

Qns: Name me 4 cities in Spain, excluding Barcelona and Real Madrid.
WTF Lor… how on earth do i noe? I only heard of Barcelona and Real Madrid can?
Why dun you ask me to name a country that Spain colonized before? Coaz…

Qns: Where does these dance (Tango, flamengo, and salsa) originated from?
I.P.S lor… That one you asked before still ask for what? I dun recall lah. You’re supposed to test me on my understanding of the language and not on my memory right?

Qns: Name me the capitals of these spanish-speaking countries.
Never tell me the countries and expect me to know their capitals from the plain map… WTF lah… is this a geography test or wad? sigh…

No me gustan los examenes de espanol nada!!! No me gusta mi profesor tambien!! =(

No comprendo por que el examen de espanol es muy dificil !!! (;_;)

Quiero a terminar mi clases de espanol en el semestre ahora! >_<

(Translation: i DUN like the spanish exams at all. I DUN like my prof too. I dun understand why the exams must be so difficult. I want my spanish classes in this semester to end now!)

Tidal waves dun just hit once. They strike again when you fall and another time when you just got up. G.N.N~ Lots of battles to fight this week and no time to recuperate. REALLY. But I’ve never once given up hope. I know I can pull through all these… I just need to remember always, that "Tough times dun last, Yixin does!" Yah… Really need to believe in myself lah… (;_;)

I just want all these to end. Shoo… Siam lah!

Need to let it all out,
A tired cub

Last night was Live Your Mark (LYM) final session- FINALLY! Before I continue, the 1st person I must ACKNOWLEDGE is MYSELF- For my Courage to admit that there are some areas in my life that’s not working as well as the way I want, for my Willingness to have self-inquiry on what’s not working, for my Cooperation with my Coach and keeping my head held high each time I felt confronted, for my Commitment to attend the course 6 consecutive weeks out of my super busy schedule, and finally, for my LOVE of self and personal growth. *applaude*

Here’s the checklist of my goals for LYM
1) Stop the conversation of "I’ve got no time."      CHECKED
2) Accelerate my performance in studies.             CHECKED
3) Create results in the domain of finances.          CHECKED

Some testimonials that the coaches gave me

Julia: Yixin, you’re totally unrecognizable from last TCC when I was your coach. For once, I sense LOVE from you.

Mei: You already know what to do. Now go DO IT!
Thanks for reminding me to spend time for myself, and that maintaining relationships is very important. Through you, I can see the commitment to your friends and yourself.

Chris: Tonight when you stepped into the office, you really brighten up the entire room. The 1st thing I’ve noticed- You’ve grown SOFTER.

My Silent Acknowledgments to these ppl

For Julz: Thanks for kicking my butt with so much love. For challenging me always to inquire "what is it that I really want", and for forcing me to confront my emotions and giving my mum that precious hug. Totally shifted my world. *hugz*

For Chris: Thanks for making a difference to Moses. Thanks for being his coach. Thanks for kicking his ass with so much patience. Finally, thanks for supporting his growth. He doesn’t really get it now, but I’m sure in time to come, He Will.

For Mei: Thanks for putting up with my bitching, moaning and whining. Thanks for not giving in to my laziness and inertia whenever I feel like giving up. Thanks for being my "mirror" and checking on my blind spots. Thanks for believing in me that I can create results I want!Thanks for supporting my growth, babe!

For Kelvin (the MAN): Thanks for being here, there, everywhere, and for making this whole thing possible. Thanks for fighting my Ego and confronting me to see my problem zones. Thanks for supporting me in my growth.

For Eric: Thanks for never giving in to my "No". Thanks for the perserverance. *hugz*

For Lin: Thanks for injecting liveliness throughout the 6 weeks. You’re my silent motivation.

For Ann: Thanks for being my "clone". Most Importantly, thanks for the constant reminder to strive towards "BE THE CUB". Thanks for showing me how making a difference to others can impact mine. I love you. *hugz*

Yup… So LYM has ended… phew! But my commitment to personal growth (and Ann’s ‘cos I’ve promised her so) never stops…

Well, to you guys out there, If You Are COMMITTED to your growth and development, and want to create breakthroughs for yourself, but hesitant to take up any program, my best Advice is- "When in doubt, learn to Trust Others. Just TAKE THE PROGRAM!" Hahaha… If you ask me what do you need to do for preparation, my answer will be- Courage, Willingness, Cooperation, Commitment and Love.

*not for the faint-hearted*

With that…

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