Oneheart

If there’s any metaphors to describe myself- it’ll be "a cub riding on a rollercoaster". This metaphor symbolizes one whom is strong enough to be weak and have the courage to ride through life’s ups and downs. During the downrides,  one has the courage to face what lies ahead, and the strength to brave through the storms. I gave this metaphor to myself, and now that the down rides began, I really want to have the strength to brave thru the storms I’m facing now. Here are some of the down rides that happened all in one day:

1. I got complacent of Finishing Touch. Tot I scored very well in all the assignments. Today, I became the 1st in history to fail in Velina’s quiz. Moral of the story: just because the prof loves you and you scored As for all the other assignments doesn’t give you the reason to cut yrself some slack. sigh…

2. I’m stuck with marketing case study, and deadline’s on fri. I’ve got writer’s block! The worst thing is- I’m supposed to edit my team mates’ parts. All of them adds up to 10 pages, when we are not supposed to exceed 5pages. Coaz… and they all write out of point, save for one person. That means I’ve taken on their shit on my plate and gotta re-do the entire thing by fri. IPS!

3. An old friend of mine, Leow Wei liang, got brain tumor and is now pronounced brain dead in NUH. Yup, I just got the news. The old memories flow back… how we used to chat over the phone, how we bickered and shuaned each other, how we used to rem each other’s bday, how we used to play bball together, how i used to tease my sis abt him, how we drifted apart busy with our own lives…
yah i noe it’s too late, but i wanta tell him that i love him, thank him for being a fren of mine and for once making a difference to me. I honestly need to cry, but i can’t right now… need to rush assignment right? need to focus, need to be strong. But i will find time to grief later, not just for myself, but for 2 frens of mine as well. One for EZQ- who’s abt to celebrate his bday on sat and got news of his best fren’s mishap. Another is my sis, who will always want to be strong, and forgot abt being weak, whom needs someone to tell her gently, "it’s ok to let go and have a gd cry".

How ironic that i can perform processing on other ppl, but not to my closed ones. How bitter is it to reach out to others, when all the time i can’t reach out to my closest frens. Do they noe that I’m reaching out to them. Can they pls allow me to make a difference to them, bcos that’ll make a HUGE difference to me? … Yes, "i’m beating myself up again".

Now that I’ve cleared my pain through words, I’m gonna return back to my assignment again. I am "a cub riding on a roller coaster". I will have the courage to pull through the tough times. "Tough times dun last, Tough women do". I will be strong, and strong enough to be weak, for… I LOVE MYSELF. Looking forward to up ride again.

I’ve never forget the experiences i got out of assisting The Courage to Create (TCC) program over this weekend. Never, ever. I’m so overwhelmed now that I seem to be robbed of the right words to say. It’s the time when the intellectual wants to explain the emotional and the former has difficulty to sync with the emotional side of me. Anyway here’s a summary of what happened in a nutshell:

1. Of all the participants, and i had 2 toughest nuts as my pocessees. One of them had e tendency to rationalize his emotions, and used that as his security blanket to avoid the pain that he really felt. It’s really tough to make him confront his emotions and have emotional discharge of his past. But we succeeded in the end! The other processee was like my clone. Similiar background, circumstances, personaility, indifference, the same inner conversations like "i feel numbed", "i want to be strong", and "i dun trust ppl".  I really  had a hard time processing her to let go of that pride and have an emotional discharge. But we succeeded in the end! I performed MAGIC!

2. I really GROW alot from learning with these participants. Each time I assist them, that part of me (like pride, indifference, ego, my past…) got addressed as I let go of these parts, one by one. That Free Spirit that once had boundless energy and unrestrainted, and that happy and loving spirit of a child, returns back for good… as my "armor to the world" got chipped bit by bit.

3. The bond with my Apprenticeship Program (AP) team mates grew stronger over this weekend, as we brave thru the storms together. I really love them alot.  And I’m sure they noe.

4. I let go of my pride and create breakthroughs for myself as i express my love for my closed ones. Think my frens were so shocked that some msged to check if I’m ok. It’s like we’re so caught up in this world in pursuit of things we think are important (gd career, money, houses, cars…) that we seem to forget how to express our feelings to those who matter to us. And also, we got so uncomfortable hearing the TRUTH. haha… how ironic!

5. Assisting TCC was like re-taking TCC again since I last took it in May 2005. I received full blown impact albeit i was sitting at the back of the room. I finally GOT it why Executive Coach International (ECI) graduates keep returning to assist for free. ‘cos  we really got to learn and Grow alot.  I wanta acknowledge my assisting team mates, team leaders and course supervisor. With them around, I was so "present" in my assisting role that i forgot I had 2 mid-term exams today. I felt so secured around them that nothing would seem to go wrong albeit Kelvin improvised the program deliverables. We learn to go with the FLOW, or flow with the GO.

6. I love myself, and am strong enough to be weak.

7. The participants love me too! haha… they think I’m great, and reassured my faith in my coaching and processing capabilities. They’re Great ppl, and I love them too.

That’s all for now. Yea, as you can tell, I’m in a loving mood… so dun get freaked out if I tell you how much you matter to me. ‘cos you do. hehe…

I probably have lots more to share, but shall stop here. With that, I’m complete. Wait… Good luck to myself for my spanish and graded interview exams later. I will jia you! =) Okay… I’m COMPLETE.

Okay, I’m not that
lazy afterall, since this is my 2nd blogging of the day. I’m feeling ultra
emotional now, after reading the email that eric sent me. here’s wad he wrote:

Eric:

i am glad u r doing well in ECI and in sch of coz...

processing people - gosh that is SO high level.. so

what u learnt? how have u grown? i want to know what u

have been up to? Yixin, remember not to fall into the

trap of doing so many things k.. one thing i learn is

this: u got to have a focus - what do u want to get/be

at the end of the day. and then work towards there. in

that way, no matter what you do, you will always be

focused..

Ok, i'm overwhelmed with emotions now. I'm really touched that i finally received an email from Eric. so blessed to receive his concerns and advices. So excited about coming weekend's TCCprocessing assignment. So caught up with the recollection of how i GROW so much since i took TCC during may, and how i used to be so gung ho and wanta do everything.

Eric, thanks alot k? miss ya lots and do take care in US. May you live and learn, learn and Grow, grow and trust, trust and love, love and be loved by all! =)

Yup... think i really should pay attention in networking class. *back to class again*

‘Tis only my 2nd post and i’m feeling lazy already. =P anyway i had a great day yesterday. My finishing touch prof returned us our graded assignment that consisted of a cover letter and resume. Our prof is reputed for her strict grading, and true enough, all of us received "reds" for our assignment. I was prepared for the worst, but what she wrote for me caught me off-guard. She wrote "please send me a soft copy for teaching purposes. => " woah… hoorey! wad a nice prof huh? hahaha… wad a tremendous encouragement a student can get. good lah…
Den in the evening, i went nus central lib to study with XJ. I wouldn’t say we had a productive night, ‘cos he was chatting on msn throughout the night, save for the surface attempts at scribbling outlines for his philo essay, but at least my momentum for studying has returned. we had a great time bitching abt our problems over supper though. And i guessed i really appreciate the quality times spent together to foster the friendship. Wonder whether that will continue after AP training is over. sigh… friendship requires effort you noe?

oneheart: I believe friendship requires effort. It’s about spending quality time together.
XJ: My fren once said, "it’s about Quantity, not quality. Without quantity, where do you get quality?"
oneheart: . . . makes helluva sense too…

Anyway talking abt spending quality time, i wanta side track abit to acknowledge my sisters for accompanying me celebrate mid-autumn festival on mon. Seems to me that they weren’t that enthu celebrating the festival, but they still accompany me shop for sparklers, fireworks, mooncakes, and lanterns, and play along with me. *sniffs, it was an unforgettable night for me* actually i skipped CCI’s HQ meeting that night. The master coach, kelvin, was there, and his market rate is $1000/ hr. Since i missed 4 hours of meeting, that means my opportunity cost is $4k! haha… well… i still think spending quality time with my closed ones is worth all the money in the world. yeah! sisters rulez!!!

Okay, i’m actually typing this during class, wad a bad student! gotta pay attention now. adios!

Yup I’ve finally convinced myself that blogging is not that a bad thing after all, so here’s my 1st blog! =) Without giving away the impression that I’m still very much a newbie, I shall end here. Like the adage, "keep it short and sweet". hehe…